I cover my ears and face, rocking back and forth, knees to my chest, and choking back big sobs. I take another anti-anxiety pill to stop the trembling and hopefully get some sleep tonight.
They are so loud. Memories piercing like blasts of a siren. These flashbacks in the clutter of my mind that choose to leap front and center into view from the nightmares I had, while wide awake, in my childhood.
At any time just when I think its okay to let down relational defenses and allow intimacy a chance traumatic, sorrowful, crushing blow of memory surfaces. Like lottery numbers pulled from the jumbled mess of my mind.
I search for that word. The one I hid in my heart about who I am in Christ but all I can do is tell God I can’t do this. I hate them for doing this to me. I know I have no business allowing my thoughts to rage against my abusers, but its real and I have to bring my whole heart before Him.
You will find Me when you seek Me with your whole heart. Jeremiah 29:13
Out of Control
I have no control over the chaos. It can strike at any time. A trigger could be a word spoken, someone else’s prayer request, another’s testimony, a song, a scent, cuddling with my husband, or someone screaming. Suddenly I am recalling these horrific events that occurred from age three to age seventeen.
God and I have been traveling down the road to healing for years. Five long ones. At first the unconscious suppression left me with just one small glimpse into different times in my life. Four years later after sorting through the painful clutter, after many layers of protection I was buried in, much healing has occurred and full memories have been returning.
This has been a process of mind renewal that will continue for the rest of my days on this side of heaven. Like playing 52 pickup I gather one thought card at a time scripted with lies of the past, and replace it with God’s truth.
Tonight I just couldn’t find that truth until I brought the truth of my feelings before a Holy God asking Him to take them.
I listened to Blown Away by Carrie Underwood one more time to imagine my past blown to smithereens. A pile of rubble and ash that can’t hurt me anymore. I apologize to God for all the hate in my heart, and through my cluttered emotions I hear, “You are beautiful.” It is whispered across my heart by the Holy One, and I weep over God’s goodness. I am blown away by His mercy, His love, and His grace. I gave Him my ashes and He calls me beautiful.
Immediately I feel the peace come, security surrounds me, and the deck of truth gets in order. I am not my past. I am the daughter of the Most High. I am loved just as I am.
What clutter of the heart and mind do you need to bring before the Holy One who promises a sound mind?
and provide for those who grieve in Zion–to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 61:3 NIV
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