Last week, after having Mono for the last three months, I went to the doctor. This time I had a double ear infection. I also questioned a lump I found in my chest and finally saw the doctor. So I got antibiotics, and an order for testing, to include a mammogram and ultrasound. I also needed surgery for hernia repairs.
All weekend I found myself bombarded with thoughts. I immediately sent out prayer requests because I literally felt I couldn’t pray for myself. Usually I would pull out the sword of the word and let my circumstances have it, but I was dealing with something else so large I couldn’t deal with both.
I have been going to counseling since 2005 regarding childhood sexual abuse. This process of renewing the mind with God’s words for my broken, beaten, battered mind has been a long, hard fight. Trauma of this kind can cause the brain to lock up. The memories are repressed, and need to move into old memory. It’s like they get stuck in the filing process and won’t move. EMDR Therapy has been so therapeutic for me.
They use it for Post-traumatic stress disorder. It was first used on military members who suffered with PTSD from combat.
These memories of old can just come back and haunt us when we are much older. In dreams and in flashbacks. They interrupt all aspects of your life. You find yourself trying to believe God wants you to deal with them. As well as, trying to come to terms with the vast ocean of emotions, unforgiveness, anger, and grief your mind bottled up in childhood because you would not have survived the trauma. It is a very long process that effects your relationship with God, with yourself, with those you love, and those you are trying to share God with. Depression and anxiety set in and you have no control over them. Dealing with all of it unearthed some real monsters from my past. I know that just like God helped David take care of that giant Goliath, He will help me. When I decide to give God control every day I get to watch Him bind up my wounds, protect me what I can’t handle until it’s time, and teach me what love really is.
So when I got bombarded with thoughts I really found myself fumbling with the ability to take authority and stand in faith. All weekend I couldn’t sleep well, and tried to distract myself so I wouldn’t have to deal with the thoughts like arrows in my brain. I would just say a simple prayer and move on.
This morning my husband and I pulled up into the parking lot of the Imaging center. As we were getting out of the van God gave a whisper of a verse to me. Blessed, happy, to be envied was what I kept hearing in my heart. We took the bible in and tried to find the verse, but needed a concordance. I went through both tests trying to remember where it could be found. I rememinded myself to trust God. Then after the tests the tech told me they found nothing and that everything was fine. A huge weight was lifted off of me and I ran to tell my husband. We gave HUGE praise. When I got home I found the verse. It was James 1:12. I have decided to commit it to memory. If there is something you are going through, and it just seems too big for you, just remember nothing is too big for God. I pray this one verse for the week will speak to your heart like it did mine. God is faithful Beloved ❤ Melinda